


Fix Up, Make Up, Mess Up

by starrylitme



Series: I Want To Live; I'm Grateful I Was Born [1]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa 3: The End of 希望ヶ峰学園 | The End of Kibougamine Gakuen | End of Hope's Peak High School, Dangan Ronpa Zero, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Birthday Fluff, Birthday Presents, Boys Kissing, Codependency, Complicated Relationships, Developing Friendships, Doctor/Patient, First Love, High School, Idealism, Isolation, Language, Love at First Sight, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Pre-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Sick Character, Tsunderes, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-28 13:05:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14449878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrylitme/pseuds/starrylitme
Summary: Twinkling, sparklingCaptivate me even more with your incredible self!If there was anyone who could save him, it had to be Matsuda Yasuke, right?In which Komaeda's dropped into Matsuda's care as a patient and they become friends somehow.(Written for Komaeda's birthday!)





	Fix Up, Make Up, Mess Up

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo for Komaeda's birthday I wrote...four fics. This is the first one. They're each based on a ship I really like and of course the first one is Matsuda because I...love him...so much?? This is going to set some groundwork and...it's certainly going to go places, heheh... Just wait and see.
> 
> And yeah, they're all based (loosely) off of Komaeda's character songs...plus one. You'll see that one last.
> 
> Anyway! Hap! Py! Birth! Day! In Japan! At least! Komaeda!
> 
> And um, please enjoy.

“H-Hope is...everything... I love it more...more than anything...!”

It was so bright outside that it hurt, but... But, but, _but_!

“For the sake of hope, I’ll do anything! Even a fall into darkness would never get into the way of hope’s light—I know that in my soul! Because, I...”

_I, I, I...!_

“I-I am...always...h...hope’s...ally... I...!”

“Would you shut the _hell_ up?”

Matsuda dropped the soaked hand towel on his face before he could finish, earning a sharp gasp. Ever unaffected, Matsuda simply scrubbed his face clean of all the sweat and drool before folding the towel delicately to leave atop his burning forehead. Komaeda sneezed, face twisting, and even with a blurring, watery gaze, he could tell Matsuda was scowling.

“I just asked how you were feeling because you’re _sick_ , you dumbass, not because I wanted to hear some kind of dogma.”

“I...” Komaeda inhaled. Matsuda pinched his nose with tissue and he blew. “S-Sorry... I just...completely got ahead of myself...”

“Yeah?” Matsuda quirked his eyebrows and sighed, tossing the tissue as he did. “Well at the very least, you answered my question. Poorly, I might add. But an answer’s an answer.” He pointed. “Even though it’s a bull _shit_ answer. Like hell this cold of yours is nothing when you’re sicker than a dog right now. You have _lymphoma_ , you idiot. A nothing cold for someone else is actually a knock on death’s door for you.”

_Aha. Death’s door, huh?_

“I might feel pretty awful,” Komaeda laughed. “But it really is nothing.”

Matsuda’s glare narrowed.

“I mean it,” he insisted. “Something like this...won’t kill me. So it’s nothing.”

“Well of _course_ it won’t kill you. Like hell I’ll let a brain like yours slip away thanks to a fucking cold.” Matsuda sighed again, running his fingers through his hair. “It’s just going to feel like hell in the meantime. Which can’t be pleasant, I imagine.”

Komaeda’s lips quirked.

“It’s nothing,” he said again. His eyes fell shut. “I’ve been through worse.”

There was a long pause, but after a while, he felt the cool brush of Matsuda’s fingertips against his temple, tucking back slick strands of ivory white. The sensation was a tingling one, and if the fever hadn’t already been so direly high, it most certainly would’ve brought color to his pale cheeks.

It’s fortunate, then, that he’s already flushed.

_Matsuda-kun is a really, really kind person..._

It was impertinent of him, disgusting, really, to be as happy as he was when it hurt so much. Especially, especially when Matsuda leaned down and pressed his lips to his temple.

“Just relax,” he whispered lowly into Komaeda’s ear. “I’ll take care of you, Nagito.”

Komaeda swallowed, and his head pounded with his heart. He couldn’t help but blearily recall all the times he found himself in this state and had to bear it alone. There were times when he didn’t have to, of course, when he was stuck with nurses and the like, but...

“O...Okay...”

That hadn’t been like this. Matsuda didn’t look at him with pained or pitying eyes like they did. Matsuda got irritated, yes, but he never lied. It was one of the many reasons that Komaeda adored him so fiercely, yes, even compared to the other elites.

_Matsuda-kun is such...a kind person..._

Matsuda, in his own way, represented hope. Komaeda knew that in his soul.

_But, even so...why...?_

“Shhh...” Matsuda strokes his hair. The tresses must be disgusting, stuck together with moisture and sweat. An icky mixture of chill and warmth from the ice and fever, respectively. And, yet. “Just rest, Nagito. Just _rest_.”

_Aah, be steady, my heart._

The tender gesture was really too much for someone like him. He did relax, but it was more akin to passing out.

_You’re just too much, Matsuda-kun._

* * *

Hope was everything. After all, It’s for the sake of hope that he’s here at Hope’s Peak Academy. Even trampled and rotting, he was here. He was still alive, despite everything.

All because of _hope_.

It wouldn’t be a lie to suggest he had been close to the end of his fraying rope when walking past those gates. But, at a sacred place like Hope’s Peak, a place known as the birthplace of hope, what else could he _feel_ but—optimism? If there was any place where he could witness the radiance of hope, well, it had to be here. It _had_ to be.

Since coming here, he’s been a regrettable source of trouble and destruction. Even kind, patient Headmaster Kirigiri is losing patience. It’s not a surprise, none whatsoever, when he’s practically shoved into the lap of the Ultimate Neurologist of Class 77-A, Matsuda Yasuke.

“Komaeda... Nagito, is it?”

“Y...Yes!” He straights up, eyes sparkling. “Yes, that’s me.”

Matsuda has a hand on his hip and seems to be partially distracted with the manga in his other hand. “So you’re the guy responsible for the library bookshelves constantly toppling over.”

“Y... Yes.”

Matsuda’s gaze flickers to him only briefly. His expression doesn’t change. “Yikes.”

It’s not a surprise, but it is most certainly a blessing. One he isn’t all deserving of. And, yet. And yet and yet and _yet_.

“Dementia at age 17...pretty extraordinary, I gotta say. And a rotten personality to go with that rotten brain of yours. Well, today must be my lucky day.”

“Aha... Haha...” He quickly covered his mouth, shivering. “Um. Um. Please take care of me, Matsuda-kun.”

_My heart’s going crazy right now._

“Yeah, well.” Unimpressed, Matsuda shrugged. His long lashes lowered over the cobalt blue of his eyes. “As a doctor, that’s my fucking _job_ , ain’t it?”

_Such mesmerizing eyes._

Komaeda swallowed, a shiver wracking his frame. “I-I suppose. But you’re more than any other doctor! Matsuda Yasuke—genius, prodigy, accomplished neurologist before even reaching his twenties... You’re an elite, an Ultimate—a symbol of _hope_! Through and through! Few other doctors could compare to your radiance!”

Matsuda frowned at him, and even that was an unfairly attractive look on his _unfairly_ attractive face. He set the manga down to take the clipboard instead. He pulled a pen from his shirt pocket, clicking it and scribbling down on the papers—Komaeda’s files.

“Inappropriate social conduct, though that could just be a result of your hectic upbringing,” he droned. “Obsessive behavior, though that, too, could be attributed to past trauma. You are pretty twitchy but again, doesn’t seem to be exclusively an issue with the physical status of your brain.” He nipped at the pen. “Right. Let’s just get started. Alright, let’s run some scans. Some tests.”

_Mesmerizing...radiance..._

“Y... Yes...!”

He couldn’t possibly _be_ more elated.

_Yes, even from the beginning... Matsuda-kun captivated me._

After all, Matsuda even among elites was in a league of his own. He wasn’t just a rising star in the medical field, he was _the_ shining star of medicine’s future. The person who could someday could very likely reverse the effects of even brain deterioration. Someone who could pave the way to eternity.

Perhaps that was an overly romantic thought, but it was a hope that others couldn’t help but hold onto. After all, when it came to neuroscience, no one was seemingly as invested and integrated as Matsuda Yasuke. Even experts with over half a century of history behind them looked towards Matsuda.

Perhaps that was just his bias. After all, Komaeda had a personal stake in this. Someone like him—even someone as worthless as him couldn’t simply waste away and die! He couldn’t. He shan’t! For the sake of _hope_ —!

_Hope is everything!_

Which was why he had to accept Matsuda’s help, even as he so desperately didn’t deserve it! He couldn’t die! He couldn’t, he couldn’t, he couldn’t!

And, if there was anyone who could save him, it...it had to be Matsuda Yasuke. Right?

_Right?_

* * *

He coughs so hard it hurts his throat. With gentle fingers, Matsuda massages his throat while letting out a colorful string of curses under his breath.

“Christ. You really _are_ sicker than a fucking dog.”

“Ah, ah, ah... Aha...! Haha... Hahaha...!”

“Shut it,” Matsuda griped, covering his mouth and pressing hard as if it’d shove the sounds back down. He pulled back quickly, and Komaeda coughed more, so much so that spittle got on Matsuda’s gloved hand.

Matsuda was hardly phased. He offered more water. “Here. Drink more. You might cough it back up but just try to keep it down. For your own sake, Nagito.”

_My own...sake._

The thought was as burning as his fever.

“Mm... Kay... Okay.”

It was lukewarm, just a little—likely room temperature. Not too bad. He struggled a bit, but he managed. Matsuda wiped off his face again, and he could see, a bit more clearly, the soft blue of Matsuda’s piercing gaze.

_Even now, he’s mesmeric._

Such thoughts were dangerous. Impertinent. Repulsive, even, to dare look upon an elite in such a way. Matsuda was levels above him, and loomed over him, and, yet.

“There we go. Good.” Matsuda flicks his forehead before pulling away. “Now for my sake, won’t you hurry up and get better?”

_His sake._

“O-Okay...!”

_I still...don’t... I still don’t understand...!_

* * *

“Good morning, Matsuda-kun!”

Matsuda perked up from his manga and then looked out the window. His scowl deepened.

“Why are you in here while the rest of your class is out _there_?” he asks, almost incredulous. But mostly just irritated. Of course. Of _course_. “We don’t have any scheduled meetings for today. Wouldn’t you rather be with your actual classmates?”

“O-Oh I’m unworthy of their presence!” Komaeda exclaimed. Then, he fretted. “Of course, I’m unworthy of your presence as well! Don’t get the wrong idea! I shouldn’t have even walked through the door, I should’ve... Ah! Sorry for such unsightliness, I, I’ll get going—!”

“Waaaaaait.”

Komaeda froze at the door.

“Since you’re here, I might as well get a look at you.” Komaeda turned around at the words, fiddling with and wringing his hands. “Can’t hurt to be too thorough, I suppose.”

Matsuda yawned, placing his book aside and leaning back to stretch. Joints popped, Matsuda groaned, and Komaeda watched him lazily scratch his cheek with wide, wide eyes.

**_Ah._ **

“You really are...as incredible as you are completely and utterly graceless, Matsuda-kun...!”

“Haah? And you’re impressed?”

“Absolutely!” Komaeda nodded, eyes sparkling. “Even with that half-dressed, half-assed way you carry yourself, you’re still a shining symbol, through and through—bed head, bathroom slippers, and all!”

Matsuda whistled. “That’s the most sincere I’ve heard a person say what should be for all accounts a backhanded compliment.”

“You’re absolutely _amazing_ , Matsuda-kun! Someone so imprudent and meager like myself really can’t compare to even a speck of your brilliance!”

Matsuda blinked once. Twice.

“Go sit down. If you’re going to make a mess, I’d rather it be on the sheets than on the floor.”

“Yes!”

He plops down on the bed, giggling.

The checkup goes like all the others, Matsuda attaching sensory nodes and wires. Matsuda looks at scans, results, scribbles it all down in between mindless doodling, and it’s all a familiar, pleasant routine.

It goes by quickly. Matsuda is nothing if not swift and efficient.

_Matsuda-kun really is amazing, but..._

“You can go now. Nothing seems amiss.”

_But..._

Komaeda hesitates. It’s a despicable moment of weakness, and _yet_.

“Do you not want to leave?” Matsuda asked coolly. Without disdain. Without judgement.

He still panics, shoving himself up and stumbling forward.

“N-No, that doesn’t matter! It absolutely doesn’t matter! I’m being a nuisance, I know I am! Bothering you and intruding on your time—I really am the worst—!”

“Look, you _can_ stay,” Matsuda snapped at him. “If you’re nice and quiet, it’s not a big deal...”

“No! No, no, no, no, no, no!” Komaeda gasped and shook his head furiously. “T-There’s no way I could do something like that! Someone like me, I... I... I, I, I, I...!”

“Oi.” Matsuda looks straight at him. The clear, cobalt blue sends jolts through every nerve and it’s too much, it’s just too much, he might just faint then and there! But he ends up not having to worry about that.

The window shatters, and he only registers a blaring, unbearable pain in his head before he crumbles to the ground.

“K- _Komaeda_?!”

It hurts so much that it’s as if his very vision was knocked into orbit. He can tell, distantly, that Matsuda is looming over him. Pulling at him. Blinding, brilliant, _beautiful_ —

“Ma...tsuda...kun...”

“Fuck! Hang in there! Shit!” To stop the bleeding, Matsuda presses gauze to the injury. “Urgh, Ugh...”

It’s funny. Matsuda looks a bit ill from the gore. It’s really, really funny.

“Ehe.”

“D-Don’t laugh, you asshole!” Matsuda snapped, but he _just couldn’t help it_! It was so, _so_ funny! “Komaeda, for fuck’s sake, you’re delirious!”

“Haha...! Hahaha...! You’re delightful, Matsuda-kun! It’s no wonder I adore you! So, so much! Hahaha!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Matsuda sighs. “Look, just...focus on my voice alright? I already pressed the emergency call. You’ll be taken care of, yeah? Don’t worry. Just...don’t even worry. I have you, I...”

“I _adore_ you,” He couldn’t help but coo, eyes twinkling. “I adore you so much. Matsuda-kun, you’re really, truly wonderful.”

“Don’t you dare fucking ejaculate when you’re bleeding from the head, you idiot!”

“It... It’s nothing like that...” It’s funny. It’s funny. Until it wasn’t so funny anymore. It just hurt. And hurt. “I... They... They’re disgusting feelings but... It’s... It’s nothing like that... I-I swear.”

Silence. He couldn’t really focus but he could feel Matsuda’s cold, unmoved stare. At that feeling, Komaeda’s breath hitched.

“I-I swear...” It stung. His head stung. His eyes stung. Shakily, pitifully, he reaches for that radiance that Matsuda emanates as though it were something tangible. “I-I...from the bottom of my heart... I-I just...love...y...you...r...hope...”

Matsuda takes his hand. Matsuda’s own hand is warm yet calloused over his fingers from constant writing. It would’ve been perfectly clean, he knows, for Matsuda is always washing and sanitizing his hands. It would’ve been perfectly clean if not for the slickness of Komaeda’s drying blood on his fingers.

Komaeda nearly chokes on a sob.

“Matsuda-kun... M-Matsu...”

“Relax,” Matsuda says softly. In such a low, such a gentle voice. “Just relax, Komaeda.”

Somehow, he does, head spinning and hurting, and yet, he does pass out, then.

* * *

He wakes up in an all too familiar hospital room. Matsuda is a not-so familiar addition, sitting in one of the chairs, tossing a baseball up and down. When he noticed Komaeda pushing himself up, he tossed the ball onto his lap.

The ball and its steams are clearly stained with blood despite having been washed off.

“Since your idiot classmates are the one who threw it, you’re going to return it.” Matsuda folded his arms, huffing. “And tell that airheaded _bitch_ of a teacher to supervise those fuckers better. It’s bad enough that they wreck their own damn classroom but to wreck my office? That’s where I draw the line.”

“I-I’m sure they didn’t mean it...” Despite a smile twisting at his lips, Komaeda looks at him pleadingly. “They can be a bit destructive and rowdy at times... But that’s just because they have so much _spirit_...”

“What they have is a lack of self-restraint,” Matsuda said. “And a severe _lack_ of consideration towards others.”

“T-That’s not true! They... They’re very considerate with each other!” he insisted. “They’re all kind, good people deep down... Of course they are! They’re symbols of hope after all. Hope is...inherently good, after all. L-Like look at yourself, Matsuda-kun! You’re really rough and really rude but... You’re a good person. You take care of others, you’re strict because you care. You’re not a doctor because it pays well or challenges, but because...you feel like...it’s your duty, right...? A-At least that’s...what you say in the interviews... Of course I don’t really know you as a person but I know enough...to know you’re a good one... Even now, with how you’re no doubt aware of how wretched and useless I am... You always treat me the same. You don’t pity or patronize me... I...” He couldn’t help but get painfully flustered. “I’m... I’m talking too much, aren’t I?”

Matsuda blinks at him. He shifts to rest his chin against his palm.

“Have you actually read interviews and articles about me?”

“T...Tons. E-Ever since I got the diagnoses and ever since I got my acceptance letter...” Komaeda fists his hands into the sheet, bleeding out wrinkles. “That’s really creepy, isn’t it?”

“It is,” Matsuda said. “But weirdly flattering, too. You know, even though you talk down on yourself a lot, you want there to be a chance that you’ll survive, even with those diagnoses. More than anything. Am I wrong?”

“I-I... Of course, I...” Komaeda grows quiet. “Of course I don’t want to die...like that... I know my mind and my personality are already rotten and worthless but... But they’re _mine_ , Matsuda-kun! They’re the only thing I have left except for hope! M... Maybe that sounds irrational, but...”

“It’s not irrational,” Matsuda said. “For something like that, anyone would feel that way.”

_Anyone would... But... But, I..._

“Uu...” Tears were welling up all over again. “M-M... Matsuda-kun...”

“Did you give yourself a headache?” Matsuda pulled out some tissues from the tissue box and handed them over, a little flustered himself. “Urgh, you just hit your head really hard. You really should think a lot less.”

“R-Right...” he sniffled, taking the tissues and blowing his nose. “I-I really do...overdo it so much, Matsuda-kun...!”

“T-Then stop! Overdoing it! Your brain hasn’t rotted so much that you can’t follow simple directions like that!”

“Haha... Sorry, sorry...”

_Despite the fact that you’re definitely rough around the edges, personality and all..._

“I-I’ll try my best, Matsuda-kun...”

“You better,” Matsuda grumbled. “Someone like you _really_ needs to start taking things easier.”

_You’re a portrait of tenderness, Matsuda Yasuke-kun._

It’s no wonder, then, that his face feels so warm, that his heartbeat is skipping like a broken record whenever he’s around this cantankerous, sharp-tongued, kindhearted person.

It’s dangerous. It’s disgusting. Someone like him—can’t help but absolutely _adore_ someone like Matsuda.

_Aha, I really am so impertinent._

“Ah, about what I said earlier,” he found himself saying. “Can you please forget about it? I was really delirious and incredibly out of it and I couldn’t help but think of this book I’d been reading. I didn’t actually mean anything important with the words I said. You needn’t bother with them at all, Matsuda-kun. Not at all.”

Matsuda perked up, and he rolled his eyes.

“Not at all?”

“Not at all,” Komaeda repeated cheerfully. “Please, forget all about it! Ehehe.” He pressed his hands together to make an upside-down heart. “Forget-forget beam. That’s, um...from an anime, right?”

“Oh my god. You’re doing it _wrong_.”

Before he really knew what was happening, Matsuda had rushed over to take his hands.

“Okay first of all, you were holding it way too low. Second of all, you’re supposed to have them closer together like so.” Komaeda’s cheeks enflamed as Matsuda pressed his hands closer. “Now you’re supposed to hold it out like this. Say the words like you mean them. If you don’t speak with some enthusiasm then what’s the goddamn point?”

“U-Um...”

“There is none! Moving on... It’s important to keep in mind the context of this move.”

“U-Um...!”

“It first shows up in Episode 64 around the ten minute mark—”

“ _Um_!”

In a stroke of surprising (good?) luck, the door slammed open.

“W-We’re so sorry...!”

“Ah!” Komaeda immediately snapped up, hurriedly pulling his clammy hands from Matsuda’s grip. Matsuda turned as well, hardly perturbed and mostly irritated. As per usual. Even as Komaeda lit up. “Souda-kun! Kuzuryuu-kun!”

Before, Souda had been teary and nearly panicking. Even Kuzuryuu had been tense and grimacing. But, now, the two of them relaxed. But they were both grimacing now. Quite, quite deeply.

“Aw, hell!” Souda whined. “Of course the ball hit _you_!”

Kuzuryuu elbowed him in the ribs.

“Still,” Kuzuryuu exhaled. “Sorry about that. Sensei’s off for a bit on other things, but... She cleaned up the office at least. Even tidied up the shelves and desk. She’ll be here in a bit.”

“That was _organized_ chaos,” Matsuda said darkly.

“I-I’ll help you find everything again, Matsuda-kun, don’t worry!” Komaeda hurriedly exclaimed. “And once you know where everything is, you’ll have a much easier time in the future! The despair of inconvenience now will be offset very much by the hope of ease in the future!”

Souda and Kuzuryuu both groaned. Matsuda said nothing.

“Well, Komaeda... You weren’t hit _that_ hard, at least,” Kuzuryuu said. “You’re acting obnoxious as always. That’s...good, I guess.”

“Ah... Yeah...” Souda rubbed at the nape of his neck. “Still, uh... Sorry. I told ya to go off and bother Matsuda because I _didn’t_ want you to be involved. So that ball was definitely my bad.”

“...you’re the reason he showed up?” Matsuda asked, unimpressed. Komaeda flinched. Souda just laughed a little.

“Well, yeah, you’re like...friends, right? It’s better if Komaeda’s off bothering his actual friend instead of everyone else, right?”

Komaeda grimaced, his smile crumbling. Matsuda remained stoic, but Komaeda couldn’t help but panic.

“Idiot,” Kuzuryuu hissed. “You shouldn’t _say_ shit like that.”

“B-But it’s true, isn’t it?! It’s n-not a bad thing, either! It’s great that Komaeda has an actual friend!”

“Souda, just shut up!”

“N-No...!” Komaeda gasped even as Souda shut his mouth obediently. “N-No, I... You’ve... You’ve got it all wrong, I apologize for the misunderstanding—Matsuda-kun’s my doctor, not my friend! S-Someone like me...be...being friends with...!”

_There’s no way that could ever happen!_

“Komaeda.” Matsuda covered his mouth before he could blather further. “I said to take it easy.” Then, with a sigh, he went on. “Anyway, it’s all whatever. All in the past, right? Let’s move on.”

He took the ball from Komaeda’s lap and tossed it at them. Souda yelped but caught it.

“You two are free to go.”

“A-Ah, uh...”

Before Souda could stammer out more, Kuzuryuu dragged him out, not needing anything else. And just like that, they were alone again. Mostly. They could hear Kuzuryuu and Souda’s muffled chatter and possibly arguing after the door was closed.

“Urgh, loud,” Matsuda griped, picking at his ear. “What a pain.”

He glanced towards Komaeda, removing his hand. Komaeda was dead silent now, head hanging and gaze blank. Matsuda adjusted how he was sitting, rubbing at the back of his head as he did.

“...so.”

“Sorry,” Komaeda said quietly. “I know, I know Souda-kun didn’t mean anything bad but...hearing him say that was really humiliating, aha. I mean, it’s all true. N-Not...the stuff he was actually saying but...what he was...implying. I’m sorry. It can’t be helped; I know, but... I still can’t help but get really embarrassed. It’s my fault. I really have been latching onto you more than what’s inappropriate. It’s no wonder there was such an untoward misunderstanding...!”

“Komaeda.”

Komaeda manages to stop himself, but he does tremble, a bit.

“You’re ostracized a lot, huh.”

“O-Of course!” Komaeda exclaimed. “It’s the proper order of things! Someone like me, I... I’m way below everyone else’s level so it... It only makes sense that I’m isolated from the group. Which is why it really is terrible, causing a misunderstanding that makes people think we’re friends! O-Of course we’re not! Our relationship is born out of professionalism and utilitarianism, nothing more! I know that, Matsuda-kun, I do...! You’re a kind person, definitely, and I like you more than I should, but... Aha... I wouldn’t delude myself into thinking we could ever be _friends_...”

He fiddles with his fingers.

“I’m sorry. I’ll make things clear to the others, and, hopefully, this misunderstanding will clear itself. If it becomes a distasteful rumor, then... I won’t...bother you except out of necessity. Ever again. Don’t worry, Matsuda-kun, I won’t let someone like you get besmirched over someone like me.”

Matsuda inhaled, and exhaled.

“There’s no _need_ for any of that,” he said. “Like hell I care about what others think about my social life. Never mind that I’ve only ever had one other friend before... But we shouldn’t talk about that.” Komaeda nods obediently, but he doesn’t seem to really be completely in-tune to what’s going on. Matsuda’s lips twist as he bites the inside of his cheek. “You know that I don’t dislike you, right?”

“I...” Komaeda blinks, seeming vacant with a vapid smile. “What?”

“I prefer your company to that of every other person out there,” Matsuda said, averting his gaze. “I like being around you more than I like being around anyone else, including that one friend I have.”

“W... _What_?”

“I like you,” Matsuda said. His cheeks gain a bit of color. “I guess, that’s the simplest way of putting it.”

All those times that Matsuda caused his heart to race—and this is how Matsuda caused his heart and the world over to _freeze_.

“N-No... No... No, no, no...!”

Matsuda took his hands, once more, that gaze caused him to still.

“Breathe, Komaeda _Nagito_. Calm.”

Nagito.

_Calm._

“...Matsuda-kun...”

**_Ba-dump._ **

* * *

“Matsuda-kun...? Are you still awake?”

“Mmgh?” Matsuda stirred from where he had been slumped at Komaeda’s writing desk, yawning inelegantly as he did. “I am. Now. What happened? Are you hungry?”

“I’m feeling a bit better,” Komaeda said serenely, pushing himself up even as Matsuda glared at the sight. “So you can leave if you want.”

Matsuda doesn’t miss a beat.

“I _don’t_ want to.”

Komaeda stiffened, smile twitching.

“...okay.”

_What else am I supposed to say?_

“I didn’t think you were the type for house calls or caretaking,” he laughed. “You really do have a softer side, Matsuda-kun. It’s a shame it’s wasted on someone like me.”

Matsuda sighed, standing up, cricking his neck, and then making his way over to lightly whap Komaeda on the back of his head.

“Ah!” It didn’t hurt, of course, but he rubbed at where he was smacked all the same. “Ehe. That’s not proper bedside manner.”

“Then exhibit better friend behavior,” Matsuda griped. “Quit shit-talking yourself. I told you already that only _I’m_ allowed to do that.”

“Aah, sorry, Matsuda-kun!” _I still don’t understand at all. But if Matsuda-kun’s just messing around, it can’t be helped._ “Ehehe.”

It can’t be helped.

“You should probably sleep more,” Matsuda said, folding his arms. “Or are you too awake?”

“Too awake!” Komaeda chirped. “Matsuda-kun, I’m sorry to trouble you but can you get me a book to read? Any title is fine!”

“Any... Kay.”

Matsuda went to go do just that, striding to the bookshelf Komaeda had set up in the living room. Komaeda watched him go, smile fading before he yawned, stretching out as well and popping joints.

_...friend..._

* * *

“F- ** _Friends_**?!?!?!”

Matsuda doesn’t look at him; simply nodding.

“Yep. Friends. It’s decided. Starting now I have two friends. You...and some bitch that neither of us ever need to talk about.” A pause. “Do you have a problem with that, Nagito?”

“Are you _insane_?!”

Matsuda blinked. Once. Twice.

“...Well. It’s a possibility, I suppose. But that’s not an acceptable answer. Just say yes or no. Dick.”

“I-I... Are you just...deciding something like this because of your kindness? To help me feel better? I swear to you, Matsuda-kun, such things are unnecessary to be concerned with,” he spoke rapidly and clumsily, smile trembling. “I... It makes me...really happy to hear, though... Thank you.”

“Then,” Matsuda said. “Let’s be friends.”

Komaeda’s breath catches.

“I... N-No... No... I... We mustn’t... I don’t...” He shakes his head. “We’re already close enough. I don’t... I mustn’t...push for more.”

_Because if someone like Matsuda-kun gets close enough to get caught up in my luck—_

He wraps his arms tightly around himself.

_The Matsuda-kun who I adore so much..._

“Yeah, we’re friends now.”

Komaeda jolted.

“E-Eh?!”

“Friends. Us. It’s decided. Starting now.”

“Why did you even _ask_ me, then?!”

“Consideration,” Matsuda said. “Considered. Decided.”

Komaeda was hopelessly at a loss but then he couldn’t help but laugh, wheezing so hard that it hurt.

“I-I swear of all the stubborn, bullheaded, ridiculous...! So despairing! I think I like you even more, haha!” He clutched his sides. “Hahaha... Haha...! You really are a riot, Matsuda-kun!”

“It’s not nice to laugh at your friend, Nagito,” Matsuda said, unimpressed.

Giggling, Komaeda wiped away his tears.

“Sorry, sorry. Ehehe... Sorry, Matsuda-kun, someone I know might die soon.”

“Oh, that’s probably not gonna be good.”

“It happens, it happens,” Komaeda says, waving his hands. “It is what it is.”

_Friends..._

“It’s still surreal to imagine,” Komaeda mused. “Having a friend.”

“You’ll get used to it,” Matsuda said. “Probably. If not, whatever.”

Again, Komaeda laughed.

“You really are something, Matsuda-kun.”

_Something special._

* * *

_It ended up being as he said. I got used to it. But, it is still...surreal._

His fever has gone down, he thinks. With more rest, he’ll be back to his more usual self. He’s just too antsy to sleep for now. It’s why he needs something to read and relax a bit. Even if he ends up unable to fully focus on the words on the pages, just holding a book was...calming.

It’ll be fine. He’s not worried. Not at all.

_Not at all._

“Nagito, here.”

_Ah. Huh._

It’s strange. Matsuda seems rather...agitated. Taking the offered book, Komaeda frowns at him.

“Is something wrong, Matsuda-kun?”

“...Just open the damn book.”

Komaeda blinks and looks down at the book in question. Matsuda seems keen on keeping his stare turned away. That’s curious, but it’s not as curious as the fact that something seemed pressed between the pages of the book.

_Huh?_

Komaeda opens it up. Matsuda flickers on his bedside lap so that Komaeda can see better what it is and what it is seems to be a small packet. Carefully tied closed. It almost looked like—

“It’s midnight,” Matsuda said. “So that means it’s your birthday, right? Happy birthday, Nagito.”

Komaeda blinked once. Twice.

“You remembered that?”

“Of course I wouldn’t forget,” Matsuda griped. “We’re friends, aren’t we?”

_Friends. Aha. Of course. I’m receiving my first birthday gift in such a long time...from a friend._

With shaking fingers, Komaeda unties the seal and unwraps the gift almost gingerly. The gift turns out to be a small pendant with a white cat painted on it. Surprisingly cute, actually. A lucky white cat. A lucky pendant.

Such good luck that it could ruin everything.

“...thank you,” Komaeda murmurs. “Thank you, very much, Matsuda-kun.”

“It’s nothing,” Matsuda mumbles, shrugging. “It’s just a birthday gift. It’s normal for friends to give those. Or so I’ve been told.”

_Normal, huh? Oh, if only that could be true._

Komaeda smiles brightly up at him, clasping the pendant around his neck.

“Ehe. Still, this is really special to me. I’ll be sure to always treasure it, Matsuda-kun!”

Matsuda perked up, and nodded.

“Alright. But if you lose it, it’s whatever. That thing was a cheap trinket anyway.”

“It’s priceless!” Komaeda exclaimed fervently. “I’ll treasure it forever!”

Matsuda’s lips twisted briefly before he lays his head down on the bed, humming as he does. He doesn’t say anything else, but Komaeda’s smile widens.

“Your inner kindness is beautiful, just like your hope...!”

_Matsuda-kun himself is beautiful._

Even with that permanent state of bedhead, his perpetual state of half-dressed, it was undeniable how pretty a person Matsuda Yasuke was. His hair wasn’t groomed, but it was clean and had the sleekness of raven feathers. His eyelashes, too, were long and dark. Delicate. Sharp features and yet, lips that looked soft and full. Elegant fingers in spite of callouses. Warmth in spite of his often cold gaze. That gaze. Such a clear shade of blue—dark and deep as the sea. _Beautiful._

“...beautiful...” The word slips out past his lips. He seizes up when Matsuda glances briefly at him, but, almost too quickly, Matsuda seems to just brush it off and let his eyes fall asleep. Unable to help a giggle, Komaeda lightly touches his shoulder. “You know, you really didn’t have to stay with me. Just because we’re friends.”

_As he says._

“You said it was just making a house call, but... Really, Matsuda-kun, you’re looking out for me, aren’t you?”

_All this time I’ve been alone... I didn’t expect that to change in Hope’s Peak. For a while, it hadn’t. And that was fine. Of course it was. Someone like me does best alone. When I’m on my own, I have nothing and no one to lose._

**_God. Please._ **

“Is that just the kind of person you are, Matsuda-kun?” he asked lowly. “Someone who feels responsible for those who can’t be responsible for themselves? Someone who cares when others can’t? Why? Is it compensation?”

“It’s rude to theorize like that when I’m trying to sleep,” Matsuda muttered. And yet, he said no more than that.

**_Every day, I’m sorry for being alive. I don’t want to die, I’m sorry. I know I mustn’t get greedy. I’m sorry. But._ **

“I’m sorry,” Komaeda whispered. “Okay, I’ll try to rest, too. I shouldn’t be bothering you anyway, aha.”

“Mmgh.”

**_Please._ **

Komaeda settles in, using the wrapper of his gift as a bookmark as he flips open the book. It’s difficult to focus, but more because his thoughts are racing along with his heart.

“If you think too hard, you’ll make yourself sicker, dumbass.”

“Haha! That’s probably true. I think I’ll be fine, though.”

It’s funny, just that gruff remark calmed him down a little. Matsuda’s warmth, too, was calming.

**_Please don’t take this person away. I can’t think of anything that would be worth Matsuda-kun and I don’t ever want there to be something worth Matsuda-kun. Please. Let Matsuda-kun become the world’s hope._ **

Matsuda deserved nothing less, after all.

* * *

He really had believed that. He really, really, really had believed all that.

It’s funny, so funny how things turned out.

“Matsuda-kun...”

His arms wrap around Matsuda’s neck like a snake. Truth be told, if he started to squeeze, he’s not confident enough to be able to say whether or not he’d stop.

_Sparkling, shining, captivating..._

Deeper than despair, these emotions swirl around in his gaze as he presses closer.

“We’re friends, aren’t we?”

“Yeah,” Matsuda sighs and steadies him. “We are.”

It’s hard not to notice—how deep those shadows underneath his eyes are. Deep, like the very shadows at the bottom of the ocean.

“I like you so much,” Komaeda laughs. “I love you, really. I don’t want her to have you. I don’t. I _don’t_. I...”

Matsuda’s the one who kisses him quiet. It’s deeper, heavier than the last. Aah, at this rate, Matsuda might very well drown him. But if he does, he won’t fight it. Won’t fight Matsuda.

They are friends, after all.

And _how despairing_ , she might say! Ha. Haha. She doesn’t understand. How could she? How could she ever?

Komaeda sighs, he tries to breathe, and instead of letting him, Matsuda shoves his tongue down his throat. It’s heavy, it’s wet. Matsuda might very well drown him at this rate.

**_Matsuda-kun’s my dearest, only friend._ **

Matsuda’s gentle fingers, the ones that have stroked his hair and sliced open his skull, trail down his jaw, his neck. And then, they run over the chain of that necklace. He still wears it. If he has any choice in the matter, he’ll never take it off. Matsuda surely knows this if he knows Komaeda at all.

Matsuda pulls back. Both of them are flushed, both of them are panting. Saliva connects their lips in a thin line until Matsuda wipes off his mouth and shudders.

“...are you going to be sick?” Komaeda asks gently, kindly, rubbing his back. “You shouldn’t have kissed me, Matsuda-kun.”

“I know,” Matsuda says, groans, and shudders again. “God, I... I know that. You don’t have to _tell me_.”

Komaeda giggles.

“Sorry, sorry. But I feel like that’s something that needs to be said.”

Matsuda grimaces, but he doesn’t argue. He just looks away, shamefaced and so, so tired. Cooing, Komaeda strokes his cheek, nuzzling his jaw.

“It’s okay,” he murmured. “If it’s you, I don’t mind... I’ll let you mess me up and indulge. So keep on shining, sparkling, and captivating me, Matsuda-kun.”

And then, his voice lowers.

“Don’t let her have you.”

Matsuda scowls, but it’s weak. And yet, his words...

“I won’t _let her_ have anything.”

These are words Komaeda knows he’ll cling to like a lifeline. Even after he realizes what a lie they were—what a folly they were. He’ll cling, because they’re Matsuda’s words.

And Matsuda Yasuke, his dearest friend and most precious person, deserved absolutely **_nothing less_**.


End file.
